Written by Megan Bronson RN, MSN, CS on November 02, 2019
Healing and recovering from burn trauma can be a long and difficult journey and is often complicated by the reaction of others to the presence of scars, pressure garments, facial masks, loss of parts of one’s body and other visible differences that can occur from a burn injury. Most people ask questions of burn survivors because they are curious and also because they care. A small percentage of people do so from a negative or disrespectful
place. Public shaming and humiliation that occur with staring, intrusive
questions, teasing, taunting, bullying, and/or shunning and exclusion from
social groups can be traumatizing to survivors and can lead to social
withdrawal, isolation, low self-esteem, and
symptoms of anxiety and depression.
The human brain has evolved in such a way as to assure our
survival as a species. We scan the environment looking for different and
unusual things that might need to be avoided or responded to in such a way that
we feel protected and safe. Our brain is constantly judging, deciding,
categorizing, and responding to people and the environment. Some people have
little awareness of their own fearful assessments of others and negative
projections onto others and this presents problems to anyone with a noticeable
difference. Simply put, we fear that which we do not understand.
To complicate matters further, television and movies often portray characters with scars as “bad guys” as noted in the 2018 Burn Support Magazine article Villains, Victims, and Vigilantes by Karen Badger and Niki Acton. This characterization feeds a negative bias and
perception of burn survivors. The occasional film like “Pay It Forward” which
portrays a teacher who is a burn survivor as a hero and in a positive light
mitigates some of that negative bias. In this film, some of the burn survivor hero’s difficulties with issues like vulnerability in relationships and intimacy,
are accurately portrayed.
Unaware people often project their fear and negativity onto
different racial, cultural, or religious groups. People with lifestyle or
sexual preference difference or people with some difference such as mental
illness or physical difference are often targets of negative projections. The
key word is different. Difference to the unaware and fear-based person elicits suspicion, fear, and negative projections and reactions. People who are more aware of themselves and their feelings and are not fear based on their thinking are able to respond out of love, compassion, and empathy. We tend to pay more attention to negative responses than to caring responses because the former pose a perceived threat. The more we are able to respond protectively to negative projections with appropriate boundaries, the less energy we will give them.
Responding to Negative Projections
How you deal with negative projections and reactions of
others will determine how you feel about yourself and also how safe you feel
socially. Do not let unaware and negative people steal your self-esteem or sense of being a worthwhile person. If you think of yourself as a victim you are much more likely to respond as one, and be treated as one. Conversely, if you think of yourself as an empowered survivor you are much more likely to elicit respectful treatment. How you frame negative
projections in your own mind when they are directed at you and how you respond
to these can be protective of your sense of self-esteem and self-worth. If you
say to yourself in your own mind, “that person really has a problem” or “that
is not an emotionally safe person” or “it would feel terrible to be so
negative”, you have already begun the process of giving the projection back.
● Some guiding principles for handling negative projections: Don’t take other people’s
reactions personally, especially negative and disrespectful reactions. These
types of responses say far more about the person who is behaving in a
disrespectful and thoughtless manner than they do about you.
● Do not give up your personal power to people who bully, taunt, tease, exclude or otherwise treat you disrespectfully.
● Responding to aggression aggressively begets more aggression and can escalate. Choosing not to engage and walking away is a protective response.
● Responding defensively to disrespectful and rude behavior engages the negativity and gives it energy.
● Choose your response rather than reacting. When we react emotionally to others, we often do not react out of our best selves. Ask yourself, “Do I need to respond to this
person at all and if so in what way”.
● Respond authentically from your own moral code. Don’t allow others to pull you down to their level of fearful and negative thinking and responding.
● If someone is asking questions about your burn experience and injuries from a caring, compassionate place, by all means, answer their questions with a response that provides
information you feel comfortable sharing.
Setting Boundaries
When setting boundaries, protective responses and authentic
responses go hand in hand. Setting a boundary requires evaluating where your
personal space is being violated and then drawing a firm, clear line on
behavior that encroaches on that. Practice setting boundaries in a protective
manner of yourself or your child rather than aggressively or defensively.
Practice with friends and help children to practice at home where they can feel
safe to make mistakes and learn.
Many times children and teens need assistance from parents,
caregivers, teachers or administrative school staff in setting boundaries on
negative behavior directed at them. Adults may also need this kind support from
administrative staff to create a safe work environment where harassment and bullying
are not tolerated.
Changing Perceptions
In many ways changing the perception of society about burn
injuries is a one encounter at a time process. The most important antidotes to
fear and the negative projections that follow are information, becoming your
authentic self and responding from that authentic self. An effective school
reentry program for kids and teens provides both useful information about burn
injuries, treatments, and scars and also gives the young burn survivor the
opportunity to allow themselves to be seen, heard, and understood by their
peers. This is in and of itself a healing step for kids and also goes a long
way toward allaying fears and increasing inclusion among their peers.
As adults, we need to develop our own social reentry
strategy. Introducing oneself in a friendly, unapologetic manner is the first
step followed by a plan for handling questions about your burn injuries both
those presented respectfully and not so respectfully. There are a number of
articles in the Burn Support News addressing these issues. Tools for Handling
Staring and Teasing by Barbara Kammerer Quayle, “Victims to Survivors:
Addressing the Bullying Problem, by Paul Schwartzman are excellent resources
for parents, teens, and adults. Beyond Surviving: Tools for Thriving After a
Burn Injury, developed in collaboration with Barbara Kammerer Quayle and the
Phoenix Society is an outstanding resource. These articles and tools can be
found on the Phoenix Society website and are also excellent tools for parents of
burn-injured children, teens, and adults.
“It is more empowering to be remembered as a friendly, warm person who happens to have a facial or body difference rather than someone who is fearful and uncomfortable
with himself” Barbara Kammerer Quayle, Burn Survivor
Changing societal fear and negative projections is also
powerfully addressed in programs like the Phoenix World Burn Congress. I have
watched over many years the impact of the Congress on the particular city and
area where it is held. The increase in understanding and compassion of service
people from the airport, to transport, to hotels, restaurants and the many
other people survivors connect with during the Congress, is immeasurable. The
very positive outcomes observed in places where the Phoenix WBC is held happen
because of the information provided to service people by the Phoenix Society
ahead of the Congress and also because of the example set by survivors
themselves in interacting with the public and area hotels, restaurants, shops,
etc. throughout the Congress. The many courageous survivors who take the step
to reconnect socially through the Congress touches both individual human hearts
and also the collective human heart.
When I attended my first Phoenix WBC in 1999 in Georgia my
heart was overwhelmed by the level of courage and also the degree of
authenticity of the burn survivors gathered there. Surviving a serious trauma
brings what is important and meaningful in life front and center to our
awareness. Superficial things that used to matter or we thought were important
no longer matter. The value of being authentically who you really are cannot be
overstated. When you allow people to see who you really are, those negative
projections referred to earlier just won’t stick. Finding the balance between
allowing yourself to be authentic and at the same time developing healthy
protective boundaries is key.
Resources: Badger, Karen PhD, MSW, and Acton, Niki, 2018, Villains,
Victims, and Vigilantes: the Portrayal of Scars in Pop Culture, Burn Magazine
Kammerer Quayle, Handling Staring
and Teasing, Burn Support News
Beyond Surviving: Tools for Thriving After a Burn Injury,
developed in collaboration with Barbara Kammerer Quayle Schwartzman, Paul,
2008, Victims to Survivors: Addressing the Bullying Problem, Burn Support News
Whitfield, Charles L., 2010,
Boundaries in Relationships: Knowing, Protecting and Enjoying the Self, Health
Communications Inc. available on Amazon